Thursday, October 28, 2010

Complacent, or Contentment?

I've been struggling with an odd sensation lately... an absence of ambition. One might think depression or anxiety goes with that, but for me, I'm neither depressed nor fidgety (well apart from my normal bouncing knees when I sit). I discovered this as I tried to set some goals that would motivate me. And I found that I think I pretty much have everything I want out of life.
  • Happily married
  • I love where I live
  • I like my career
  • I have great friends and family
  • I have a car that I love
  • I game regularly
  • ...
Sure there are things I'd like to have, but I've just noticed a kind of lack of passion. The things that used to drive me don't anymore. I'm not unhappy about it, it's actually kind of peaceful.

I feel like something's wrong. Something's missing and I don't know what it is. I'm strangely comfortable and content. Maybe it's complacency?

Camille helped me see that I really haven't done anything truly creative (apart from gaming) since we moved to LA. So yeah, no creative movement probably suggests the lack of a particular passion. But you can't just force that, decide to be passionate about something, or create something when you're not really inspired and you're basically okay with that.

Except I guess I'm not because I'm writing about it, and questioning it. It's just the first time in my life I look around and go, you know, things are pretty great. But I'm only 32, that can't mean I'm done. I got a LONG ways to go.

Help me out folks, what do you think?

Monday, March 29, 2010

My next blog post

Will be way better than this one. I pulled this up as I felt like I had something to say, and then stared at a screen for 2 minutes and realized I really don't.

I have seeds of ideas and reflections that just starting out. I'll disclose them later. Disclose. That's a word I've picked up from my insurance studies.

And who the crap ever thought I'd be studying insurance and securities? I went to PLU and got a degree in Classical Languages because I was going to spank everyone in Biblical Hermeneutics thanks to my ability to read the ancient languages... Ah yes, well that fell through. But my education did give me a rudimentary system of critical thinking and a higher awareness, and a serious amount of close friends that have lasted all this time... Including some professors!

And what have I learned so far, now that I'm almost 32?

When you graduate from High School, you kinda think you know a lot. When you get to college, realize you don't know crap. When you graduate from college, you have a sense of entitlement.Hey, I have a college education. People are supposed to hire me. WRONG! Wait, but I paid all that money. I got great grades. I did everything right... Too bad. The world is not college. You have to pay your dues just like everyone else who didn't go to college.

But in college you learn how to think for yourself, or at least ask good questions. That WILL help. But lose the entitlement stuff. Just accept your lot, take your life by the scruff, and do something about it. Seize opportunities. You could die tomorrow. No really, you could. It sounds like a cop-out, but it happens every day.

But what's the point? Right now, I think the point is to know thyself. Sort out your priorities, and make your life enjoyable. Zombieland had some great things I think apply:

Rule number 1: Cardio. Start exercising, fatass. Or skinnyass. The zombie apocalypse could happen tomorrow, and you'd be food. And as an added benefit of getting in shape to outrun the evils of the world, you actually do feel better and maybe don't hold as many grudges in life because you just kind of work them out. It's similar for dogs. If you exercise your dogs regularly and rigorously, they stop being pains in the ass. Same goes for humans. Thank you Caesar.

Rule number 2: Doubletap. Well that's just common sense.

But one he added later on in the movie, was: Enjoy the small things.

Last night it was windy as heck, and then it rained like crazy. We had the window open in our bedroom. I've had a hard time going to sleep at night. Just with all the studying and the concentrating and the new information racing through my brain... but the sound of the wind howling out there through the trees, sang me right to sleep.

I love where I live.

I also love my wife very much. I don't think I tell her it as much as I should. (I know, we all think that, but again, maybe we outta do something about that). The thing that I think is amazing is how she tolerates me and even supports me. Don't get me wrong, she draws the line and I respect the hell out of that line when it's drawn... but yeah, thanks babe. I'm a handful.