Friday, May 16, 2014

Holding Pattern

My health is finally better. Tried giving up gluten, corn and soy for 30 days, which was a giant pain. Made a few other attempts at reducing stress, like exercising for 5 minutes a day in addition to trying to walk 30 minutes a day. Other hope-inducing opportunities surfaced as well. So yeah, things are better in that regards.

Now I'm just in a holding pattern. What is really important to me? What could I be doing that could make me happiest? What sorts of things would make me excited to get out of bed in the morning? What am I willing to do to get what I want? What the hell do I want in the first place? What am I worth? These are questions that are most on my mind, along with am I appreciating the people in my life enough?

A friend and colleague of mine passed away last week. I miss him a lot. There was a time when I believed I wouldn't live to see 40, for whatever reason. Dreams of dying in explosions haunted me for several years in the early 2000's. I don't have those dreams anymore. Not for a while. No, now I have an amazing family; I live in the place I want to live; we bought a house last year that actually feels like home; I have amazing friends. Life is overall pretty damn good in those areas.

It's my professional life that I'm struggling with. There, I said it. In public. It's not the actual work I do with people. I love that part. The company is great. But someone had the gall to pose me a question that has had me reeling for over a month and a half: "What if for your income you were a speaker of some sort, something with a message that mattered to you?" And something about my wife being intrinsically linked to my ability to do what I do. The possibility that I could make a living doing all the things that give me life, energy, excitement, and full meaning. I immediately thought again about seminary. But that's been shot down with so many holes. "No, being a pastor/preacher seems too limiting for what you would do" I was told.

I think back to that palm reading too I had, where he said that I was made to be a performer, and that I need to be performing right now!

I just don't know how they are all connected. What would be this mysterious career? Would it be the same one I have, just coming from an entirely different paradigm or perspective? Whatever I'm doing right now is clearly not working. Or would it be something entirely different I never even thought of?

I mentioned "hope-inducing opportunities" above. One such possibility has been brought to my attention I never thought possible, and I have a lot of excitement at the prospect of it. But it that path seems to be cooling. Even if nothing comes of it, which would certainly be disappointing, it's given me an example of something else that would be right up my ally. The details are not important. What I know is important is to understand myself, to clarify what I want, to evaluate how all that is going, and determine next steps.

I don't know if happiness is the most important thing in life. Making life better seems a higher priority. But that's meaning that will take an entire lifetime to unpack. Where to get started?