Thursday, February 12, 2009

Part 2

So I'm grieving. I have the luxury of sitting in it for a bit and I'm taking advantage of that. I don't want to think about the next step. I get overwhelmed.

What a stupid excuse.

Truth is, I could nail the job process if I really wanted to. I'm choosing not to because I am definitely taking this as a ME vacation, and I feel that I deserve it. As long as I do domestic duties, accomplish a few things, I think that works.

But I do feel overwhelmed. I can't really deny that. When I do start tackling the next step (which will be soon), I know it's going to be tough.

The mornings are the most difficult. I can't sleep in. With Cindy getting up to go to work, I get a screaming hairdryer in my ear. But I used to get up at that time too. I had a purpose. I had things to do. People to go see. Problems to help solve. Now, I lay there next to the screaming hairdryer and wonder what the crap am I going to do today.

Well today I guess I decided to blog. Maybe I'll try and clean the office a bit. Take the dogs for a walk.

Men really are defined by what they do. What they accomplish. What they can say about themselves. At least that's how we define ourselves. Where we derive a large part of our self esteem. I think more than any other time I realize how connected I am to that. It's like retirement. I think men struggle with it more than women. We don't know what to DO with ourselves. Can't do what we used to. For whatever reason. We feel like we should be doing SOMETHING.

So, I'm going to go do something.


Jackie said...

Yikes. Having just come through a very long job-hunting season (2 years, although I had seasonal work during that time), I definitely sympathize. It is definitely huge and overwhelming to look for work, especially right now when everyone is telling you there are no jobs and no one is hiring (this is, of course, not true, but it's what people tell you anyway). And it's hard not having a purpose or some reason to get up in the morning; I know I had a number of days when I asked myself why I was bothering, and the only answer I had was that I didn't want my nice housemates (who let me stay without rent while I was jobhunting) to feel like I was taking advantage of them.

So I hope things go well with you. Have a good break, and I hope you'll figure out a good direction to head next. And I have a million other things I'd like to say, but I'm not sure that they would come across in a text format like this as helpful or encouraging, so I'll just shut up now.

Cindy said...

The days are long and lonely when you're unemployed. It's an emotional roller coaster between constantly trying to stay positive and battling the depression of not feeling like you're contributing anything valuable or productive. I remember a lot of mornings sleeping in cuz I couldn't find a reason to get out of bed. It's so hard to keep your heart and mind in check.

You do deserve a ME vacation. You're suffering the consequences of someone else's bad business decisions. And while it would have been nice to have been saved because of the relationship, the truth is that it's not you that needs saving, it's them. You certainly did your part and everything possible to help Revchem survive and there is honor in that. Revchem was always meant to be a temporary job and though we got much more out of it than would have ever expected, you've finally outgrown it. You are worth more than they can afford to pay you and you are too experienced and capable to demote. We never moved here for Revchem. We never moved here for the salary. We moved here for the opportunity. Revchem still is and always has been a stepping stone. It feels a little bit like a free fall right now because you don't know what the next step is but I believe in you and know it will be something great.