Saturday, June 21, 2014

Expelling my internal storm

There are big changes happening to a lot of people right now. I still feel like I'm in a huge holding pattern, but getting closer to some kind of execution. Yesterday on Facebook I posted that I am feeling overwhelmed and this still holds a bit true. But I have terrific friends who come out of nowhere sometimes to give me support.

So I can't talk about my professional situation for compliance and other reasons. But in general terms it's the difference between what you do for a living as your life's calling, a mission to serve everyone you know and try to help make the world a better place, and what you do for a living is your job which provides you the opportunity to pursue your life's mission and calling on the side.

I'm also mindful of my dad, Bob Early, who died 12 years ago yesterday. A friend responded to my feeling post about being overwhelmed and thinking about dad:
 It sucks that he's not around to see the man you've become, but take comfort in the fact that his work in that regard was finished, and he can consider it a job well done.
And I sincerely appreciate that notion. In dad's case, he's often my example of how not to live one's life. I remember him fondly, don't get me wrong. But he did die at 52(ish) years old. Self-employed. Single income family. He lived a life of anxiety as I recall, and dealt with that by drinking and working (being away from the family), rarely taking a day off. I am prone to work anxiety to a debilitating level, and I keep myself and everyone around me to help me make sure I don't become an alcoholic. So one of the biggest things I'm weighing right now is how can I have a professional life without becoming crippled with anxiety.

Top priority for me in life at the moment is to have the freedom to be present with my family and not be forced to work and be away all the time just to make ends meet. I also don't want my daughter to transfer my anxiety to her in anyway. Best way I know how to do that is to somehow avoid that anxiety. Best way to avoid that anxiety? Well that's the question.

I can certainly achieve all this with my present career. To do that it requires breaking up things into seriously tiny pieces and only focusing on what's in front of me and not let the big picture overwhelm me. That is really hard to do. To let go of everything that is stressful about my present situation, and to just focus on checking things off my daily checklist. Making those tasks easily doable. In my present career I can help people directly affect their own lives for the better. It can be seriously rewarding. But like dad, it's running your own business, which comes with its own costs, variable income, etc. Those things cause me a great deal of anxiety. It would be true if I were running my own business in any other field I think.

On the other hand, working for someone else of course can provide a little more income consistency depending on the position. You have to deal with having a superior/manager, which I haven't really had for several years. The anxiety in facing that possibility is of course things like: What if I think I can do a better job than my boss? What if I can't stand the job? I'd be giving up A LOT to leave my current career.

At the end of it though, what is it that gives me life, energy, motivation, excitement? I know I don't want to feel guilty for spending time with my family for fear/feeling that I'm not working enough, and then vice versa. Feeling guilty for working to support the family and not spending time with them. A vicious cycle.

Maybe if you know me, you can help me. Sometimes you're so entrenched in your own situation you don't know how to see yourself, or what your strengths are, etc. Gonna let go of my fear that people might think I'm fishing for compliments, and maybe if you feel like it, you can help me out by sharing what you think my strengths are, or what you have observed about me when I'm at my best. I think I've been out of touch with what's inspiring to me, what drives me, what I'm best at, etc.

For some I have been able to help give ideas about where a person might look for a new line of work, just based on what I know about them and what I think they'd be good at. I'm interested in similar feedback for myself. All things aside, is there something that comes to mind when you think of me? But mostly it's the qualities... if I'm in the right place now and I just need a new perspective and a reconnection/awareness to/of my strengths, motivations, what I'm like when I'm at my best.

Either way, thanks for being there for me everyone.

2 comments:

BattlingtheNafs said...

I understand what you mean about being overwhelmed by the bigger picture. Anxiety is overwhelming and saps all the energy out of you. I've just joined your blog so I don't know you, but from what I've read you seem to care for your family first and foremost. If that's when you anxiety is at its lowest...then hold on to that.

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